A Fable For Our Times…

Gather around for storytime, kids!

Once upon a time, Big Business decided that not enough people were embracing their latest overpriced innovation: high-definition television. Despite endless hype about the supposedly clearer picture and sound, the vast majority of people admitted that they really couldn’t see any significant difference in quality (and certainly not enough difference to justify the hefty price tag). As sales languished and merchandise sat unclaimed on dusty shelves, The Powers That Be panicked and realized that something needed to be done to save their profit margins.

Enter the mighty Federal Communications Commission.

For years, the secrets about the vulnerability of the analog system of television broadcasting were kept quietly under wraps, and an effective fear campaign kept most citizens from tempting fate and trying their hands at hijacking the signals. A brave few (Captain Midnight and ‘Max Headroom’, to name two) did dare to challenge the notion that the public airwares could be owned by a select few, but these individuals were either quickly dispatched or effectively erased from history by Our Fearless Leaders, lest anyone realize just how easy it is to disrupt the precious status quo with some technical knowledge and a little ingenuity. Other smaller countries around the globe realized this fact-of-life early on and slowly began the transition to digital with little resistance from the populace (generation after generation of oppression from kings and dictators tends to quell any natural urge to dissent). But the FCC understood that Americans are a particularly stubborn lot who do not embrace change easily. Besides, the change would render billions of dollars worth of televisions, VCRs and other paraphernalia completely useless and force nearly a third of the population to visit their friendly neighborhood retailers for new electronic gizmos.

And suddenly, the FCC and Big Business realized that they had a common goal.

Thus began the Massive Campaign to brainwash the masses into believing that digital television was not only ‘far superior’ to the analog system that had served viewers faithfully for nearly three-fourths of a century, but that a switch-over was crucial to their safety and well-being. After all, those antiquated analog signals could be put to use by your local fire and police department in order to respond faster to emergencies and natural disasters (provided that massive layoffs haven’t decimated their ranks). And if anyone questioned the logic of entrusting the public welfare to a now-obsolete system deemed unsuitable for broadcasting Scooby Doo reruns, the Digital Conspiracy decided to play on the inherent greed of the rank-and-file by offering the lure of hidden ‘free channels’ offering additional (quality?) programming at ‘no extra cost’ (unless one factors in the expense of new televisions, converter boxes, antennas and so on). And of course, they also had the most powerful secret weapon of all: a desperate Congress looking for anything that would distract their constituents from the failing ecomony, a disastrously unpopular lame-duck president and The Neverending Story IV: Bux Takes Baghdad.

And so, the grandly-titled Digital Transition and Public Safety Act of 2005 (I guess the paperclip theory is true) passed with little opposition, and proving that the old adage of ‘monkey see, monkey do’ still holds water even after the universally-despised reign of President Cuckoo Bananas, other countries followed America’s lead as always and enacted their own digital conversions. By 2020, the entire planet will be on the digital bandwagon, and everybody wins:

- The FCC will be able to exercise greater control over the broadcast signal and make extra money by auctioning off the majority of the unused analog bandwith to private companies (funny how that part of the DTV Rhetoric is often lost in the fine print, isn’t it?), as well as continuing the illusion of relevancy in the computer age.

- Big Business will make billions from sales of new electronic equipment and also gets to look civic-minded and benelovent by offering ‘free’ converter boxes (via mail-in coupons which often do not cover the full price) to those in need while still raking in profits from the sale of antennas and other accoutrements needed to render the boxes truly effective. Not to mention the opportunity to gain access to the ultra-powerful analog channels for their own purposes, which will undoubtedly offset the costs of the billion-dollar ‘Big Lie’  digital campaign.

- The federal goverment gets credit for taking decisive action to resolve the ‘analog problem’ and can also pretend that the boost in the ecomony from the increased electronic retail sales was part of their grand master plan all along, and will also reap the (public and ‘private’) monetary and public-relations benefits from the analog reassignments and auctions.

- The law-abiding, tax-paying American public, who had absolutely no say in the matter whatsoever (in a democratic society yet) and likely won’t be able to discern any real difference between analog and digital broadcasting or be able to reap any of the fruits of the Conversion, will now have the privilege of forking over billions of dollars for new digital-friendly equipment in order to continue viewing the ever-declining stale of network television fare at a time when the economy is still unstable and the only ones with real job security are the Big Business executives and high-ranking government officials who are the main beneficiaries of the…oops.

Well, I guess not everybody wins.

TV’s Tim

The Prodigal Banana?

 

http://www.nbcumv.com/entertainment/release_detail.nbc/entertainment-20090224000000-andyrichternameda.html

Well, I guess you CAN go home again.

I don’t know how I missed this one, but after making the worst career move since Shelley Long decided to hang up her apron and make terrible movies by leaving Late Night back in 2000, Andy Richter has signed on to be the new announcer on The Tonight Show when Conan O’Brien takes over on June 1st. Can’t say I saw THAT one coming, but I guess it proves that you can never say never…and that there are far worse fates than being a great second banana.

Now I know that we are conditioned from birth to believe that second place is last place and that we should all strive to be leaders, but that’s just not realistic. Some of us are born to lead, and some of us are born to follow. It’s just that simple, and if more people would learn that lesson earlier in life, they would probably save themselves a lot of heartache in the long run. Sadly for Andy, he had to learn the hard way that he’s just not leading man material and that the role of sidekick (and that’s what he’s going to be, no matter what weasel words the NBC press release uses) is his destiny. And as Ed McMahon proved, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s just a matter of making the most of the situation. There was no reason in the world why Andy couldn’t have stayed on Late Night and taken an occasional character role in a film or two on the side in order to feel ‘complete’ as an artist or to show that he was more than ‘the little fat dude’ or what-have-you. But to leave so publicly, and then basically fail on every conceivable level (although I’m sure he thanks God above every day for Will Ferrell) as a solo act before humbly crawling back to your old stomping grounds nine years older and wiser…well, was that trip really necessary?

I remember feeling so sorry for him when he showed up fat and bloated (and possibly inebriated) on the final Late Night with Conan O’Brien telecast and wondered about all the regrets that had to be running through his mind and whether or not I was watching a man on the last circle of a complete downward spiral. While I hate to speculate on such things, I have to wonder if Conan felt the same way, because a mere four days later Andy was named as the new announcer/sidekick of the updated Tonight Show (displacing the beloved Joel Godard). Now, maybe this was the master plan all along, but if so one would think that Conan would have announced this news on the last show (especially with Andy sitting right there). Perhaps he was trying to spare Joel’s feelings, but a simple ‘Andy’s coming back to our show!’ announcement without specifying his actual role wouldn’t have been out of line and likely have garnered a bit more media focus than the clandestine version did. Which leads me to believe that Conan threw an old friend a lifeline and tried to make him feel needed again without calling too much attention to the fact. I could be wrong and Lord knows I have been before, but something just doesn’t add up otherwise.

Because when you get right down to it, Conan doesn’t NEED Andy anymore. Back in 1993, when Conan was a novice with no on-air experience, Andy was invaluable as a comedic partner and foil who helped Conan ease into his role as host and build a loyal audience. When you watch clips from those early days, it’s clear that Andy was the engine that kept the show moving along, and that Conan relied heavily upon him. But then came the ‘little fat dude’ incident (which to this day I believe was one of the motivating factors for his eventual departure) and Andy’s subsequent exit a few years later, and people wondered if Conan could survive without his better half. Well, he not only survived, he thrived and became a much stronger host in the process. By 2004, it was no longer a ridiculous notion that Conan could take over The Tonight Show from Jay Leno and succeed, which had to be a bitter pill for Andy to swallow in light of his own public disasters.

Anyhow, I guess this makes Andy Richter the luckiest bastard in show business not named Ryan Seacrest. Good for him, but hopefully his story will serve as a reminder to others that sometimes the grass isn’t always greener on the other side…and sometimes it’s just astroturf.

On a somewhat related note, this ‘orderly transition’ between the various NBC late-night hosts is the most awkward thing I’ve seen on television in quite some time. I don’t think they go through this much rigmarole electing a new Pope.

TV’s Tim

What’s Next? Yoda In A Thong?

I’d like to think of myself as a pragmatist.

While there are many times where I strongly disagree with the general population on a variety of subjects, I also realize that I am but one lone voice screaming futilely against a cacophony of dissent. Over the years, it has become increasingly clear to me that I am simply not in step with the vast majority of the public. Whether it be Lost, iPhones, Kentucky Grilled Chicken or the Kardashians, my tastes simply run counterclockwise to those of the rest of the universe. That doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m right and everyone else is wrong, mind you, just that I tend to see things differently. But I also understand that my way of thinking might not always be the best course of action, and that sometimes you have to accept the practicality of certain situations for what they are.

Which bring us to the latest Star Trek motion picture film.

I understand that something drastic had to be done in order to save the franchise from extinction, especially after the last series bombed and the interminable Nemesis completely flat-lined at the box office. And whatever lip-service Paramount might pay to the Trekkies about ‘perserving the legacy of Gene Roddenberry and his extraordinary vision of the future’ and so forth, the bottom line is that they are a corporate entity above all else and their main goal is to make billions and billions of dollars. And in that vein, they have the duty to try and find the best way possible to accomplish that goal. So for this incarnation of Star Trek, they assembled a non-Trekkie creative team, hired glorified underwear models to play the major roles (that might be a bit harsh) and marketed the movie to an audience that traditionally avoids sci-fi like the Plague. And $150 million dollars later, the strategy seems to be working. But after watching the latest commericals, I have to wonder what the loyal fans think about all this.

The general consensus seems to be that Trekkies will bitch and moan and whine about changes to their beloved franchise, but in the end they will continue to support the brand. And thus, you don’t have to worry about appealing to them, because they’ll come for the name ‘Star Trek’ if nothing else. However, The Powers That Be have also determined that the Trekkie Universe is a very, very small subset of the real world, and continually marketing multi-million dollar film projects for that limited audience simply isn’t practical anymore. With the ecomony in a record slump and dozens of major studios and independent filmakers all fishing from the same decreasing pool of cinemagoers every year, you just can’t argue with the logic of shooting for broader appeal at the risk of angering the hardcores. On the other hand, you also can’t afford to alienate the dedicated few who have kept the dream alive for four decades and counting. Because once the novelty of ‘Dirty Sexy Trek!’ wears off and John and Mary Q. Public move on to embrace the next new pop-culture diversion, those social misfits and outcasts with the homemade costumes, gigabytes and gigabytes of fan-fiction and artwork on their hard drives and (more importantly) acres upon acres of Trek memorabilia in their parents’ basements (and the disposable income to buy even more kitschy tripe) will be the only ones left.

You don’t bite the hand, Marty. You don’t bite the hand.

TV’s Tim

Having Your Cake And Eating It, Too

 

MSNBC.com

The New York Times website.

Well, on the one hand, you could argue that NBC finally learned its’ lesson about alienating a longtime employee and figures that this is the best way to keep two of their top properties on the network and fill some gaping holes in the primetime lineup at the same time (which I guess puts the kibosh on the B.J. and the Bear revival). Plus, The Tonight Show isn’t the same show it was when Johnny Carson left in 1992. As popular as Leno may be, the brand isn’t nearly as prestigious or as bulletproof as it once was. In the old days, The Mighty Carson Art Players would have eaten Jimmy Kimmel for dinner and then had John Stewart for dessert. So, this isn’t necessarily like the passing over of Letterman sixteen years ago since the prize isn’t nearly as valuable or rarified today.

Still, this has to be a real slap in the face to Conan O’Brien. After years of loyalty, hard work and dedication, he finally moves up to the main event only to discover that he’s going to be following in Leno’s shadow all over again. And he doesn’t even get the privilege of performing on the same stage that Carson made famous. While I’m sure this will provide him with years of monologue joke fodder, it can’t feel good to be treated like a red-headed stepchild (pun intended) in front of the entire world. This whole deal is like finally marrying your high school sweetheart after a fifteen-year platonic engagement and finding out that your new bride has decided to spend the honeymoon in Hawaii with the best man instead, and that her father is sticking you with the bill for the ceremony. And then the caterer runs off with all the wedding gifts. And then as you are making the lonely trip back home alone, you realize that your fly has been down the entire day and no one bothered to tell you.

Oh, and apparently Robert Irvine is back. Alrighty then.

TV’s Tim

Oh, Mister Irvine!

MSN.com

Yahoo.com

St. Petersburg Times (The original article.)

Well, this sucks.

In the wake of the Writer’s Guild Strike and the resultant onslaught of cheesy gameshows and revolting ‘reality’ programming, I discovered Dinner: Impossible and subsequently became a huge fan. And a great deal of that could be attributed to Robert Irvine, who had all of Gordon Ramsey’s intense charisma without any of the controversial baggage. Or so we thought.

Now, I’m sure Bob isn’t the first person to creatively pad his resume and he won’t be the last. But in this age of computerization and instant information, it’s much easier to uncover the truth. And it’s probably not a good idea to piss people off in the first place when you’ve built your career on a foundation of a tissue of lies. I hope Irvine saved his money, because as good a chef as he apparently is despite the fabrications, his reputation in the culinary world is shot all to hell and he’s not likely to make a comeback from this embarrassment. Remember The Frugal Gourmet?

Who’s going to be the next Food Network star to fall from grace? Stay tuned!

TV’s Tim

Of Roid Freaks And Rotisseries

Seriously? THIS is the long-defunct show that NBC decides to revive in order to shore up their schedule in light of the writers’ guild strike? After the recent federal investigations of professional sports both real and prefabricated, is it really a good idea to parade around a group of oiled-up steroid junkies, pit them against a motley crew of ordinary schmoes in a series of hokey psuedo-athletic games and promote the whole shebang as good clean old-fashioned American entertainment? If NBC really wanted to resucitate a lame semi-reality show from a bygone era, why not just bring back Candid Camera? Or maybe Real People? It’s not like Byron Allen has anything else better to do these days.

There’s something fishy at the Food Network. And it ain’t the smoked salmon.

First, they shitcanned the classic Iron Chef reruns to make room for even more Rachael Ray and Giada Whatchamacallit. Then they fired the charmingly goofy Jim O’Connor from his gig on The Secret Life Of… and replaced him with the smug-yet-dull George Duran, who takes the usually boring world of food production and somehow makes it even more uninteresting. Then they recently cancelled Mario Batali’s show after a decade-long run, and now comes word that the man who put the channel on the map (and, like Mario, has been there from the beginning) has just had HIS long-running show axed.

As of December 11, Emeril Live is no more.

Now, I don’t want to suggest shenanigans on the part of the Food Network execs, so maybe it’s just a coincidence that they moved Emeril’s show out of primetime and took the late-night replay off the air a while back for no apparent reason, and then held a competition to find a new Iron Chef despite the fact that no version of the show has ever had more than four. Or that they greenlit a derivative new show with seemingly little point or direction (Ham On The Street) and then inexplicably transitioned its’ host to The Secret Life Of… less than a year later. But I’m sure that they weren’t just covering their asses in case contract negotiations didn’t go well and they had to ease these fixtures of the network out of their long-held positions and hire cheaper talent. Besides, Jim, Emeril, Mario and Iron Chef Classic are all still part of the “Food Network family” and will be for some time to come (if the lying assbags, I mean, network publicists are to be believed).

Still, if I were Alton Brown, I’d be watching my back.

TV’s Tim

Good TV (For Now, Anyway)

Prison Break: Sadly, this might be the last new episode for the 2007/2008 season (despite FOX’s promise that new episodes will air in January) and possibly for good if the ratings continue to fall, and there’s still a number of loose ends and unanswered questions left. Still, I’ve been enjoying the season so far even if the Sona arc is rapidly running out of steam. If they’ve got something interesting planned with this mysterious birdbook of Whistler’s, then they need to move forward with that plotline after the hiatus sooner than later. And if either Linc or Michael fail to put a bullet in Susan B. after all this, I’m going to be very, very disappointed to say the least.

Boston Legal: The constant cast changes are starting to get a little tiresome, and the new additions aren’t exactly setting the world ablaze. But, as always, as long as Jimmy Spader and Bill Shatner are front and center, then all is right with the world.

The Unit: This show is growing on me despite my better judgment. Yeah, it’s basically just right-wing propaganda, but it makes no apologies for that fact and it’s well-written and superbly acted to boot. And it’s not like we don’t have our fair share of shows leaning the other way. Plus, any show that delivers both Dennis Haysbert and Robert Patrick every week is just dandy in my book.

Two and a Half Men: Given how much I hated that wretched piece of tripe Dharma & Greg, it’s surprising that I would actually enjoy this show since it comes from the same creative team. But I’ll just chalk that up to the inherent likability of the two-and-a-half leads and move on with my life.

Well, that’s the fewest number of shows on my “Must Watch” list yet. And with 24 and Jericho delayed indefinitely and The Sopranos taking the dirtnap, there’s just not a whole lot to get excited about these days. 30 Rock is hit-and-mainly miss, as is My Name Is Earl, and while Weeds is decent enough it’s definitely an acquired taste. And my reliable standbys like South Park, Curb Your Enthusiasm and King Of The Hill have been either pretty awful or just plain boring thus far this season. Even the Nick-at-Nite and TV Land reruns have been pretty shoddy as of late (far too much Fresh Prince and George Lopez for my tastes).

Thank God for DVDs and the interweb.

TV’s Tim

Cutting Off Your Nose To Spite Your Face?

While I can understand why they’re doing this, I’ve got a bad feeling that the writers’ strike is going to backfire in the worst way.

Back in 1988 (the last time when the writers went on strike), there were only three major networks, one fledgling networkling and PBS. HBO had boxing, a few hit films and Garry Shandling, but it was hardly the force that it is today. The rest of cable was a vast wasteland of sitcom reruns, wrestling and infomercials. The internet really didn’t exist in any meaningful way, the home video market was still in its’ infancy and portable phones weighed about fifty pounds and weren’t much use for anything except, you know, making phone calls. So when the writers went on strike and network TV essentially shut down for several months, the viewers still came back after the strike was over because they really had no other choice. I mean, what else were people going to do? Read? Go outside for fresh air? Talk to their families? Perish the thought!

But these days, there are far too many alternatives around for viewers to assume that they will simply bunker down and tune in for the latest episode of watered-down network fare when this latest brouhaha settles down. The quality of what the Big Four and the Little One are offering up for consumption has steadily decreased over the years anyway, and the falling viewership numbers and the growth of cable are testament to that fact. I suspect that now more than ever, despite all the hype for certain series, people watch network TV out of habit and tradition more than anything else. How else do you explain the continued success of mostly mediocre programming on the ‘Power Nights’ (Monday for CBS, Thursday for NBC, Sunday for FOX)? And as we’ve seen in the past, once people get into the habit of not watching a particular show or even an entire network, it’s very difficult to lure them back.

Cable television (what with the recent explosion of original series) is going to be affected by this strike as well, but they have the benefit of shorter seasons spread over longer periods of time and plus they’ve trained the audience to expect lengthy hiatuses between new episodes. Network television viewers expect new episodes in a certain timeframe and if those aren’t delivered in a prompt manner they usually move on elsewhere (also see, Moonlighting). If this strike lasts for months, long-running series like ER that are basically running on fumes could be in serious trouble, not to mention shows that haven’t found their sea legs yet and still need time to build an audience. I strongly suspect that we’re going to see even more cheaply-made reality series and cheesy gameshows crop up over the airwaves soon (further driving away viewers), and I also predict that if the writers and executives can’t come to an agreement quickly, they just might all be out of a job if the head honchos discover that it’s more cost-effective to run five episodes per week of ‘The Biggest Loser’ and ‘Dancing With The Stars’ than to finance an expensive niche series like ‘Heroes’ or ‘Lost’ that may or may not produce a profit.

This whole strike business must might be the final nail in the coffin of network television. Mark my words.

TV’s Tim

Bottom-Feeding Scumsuckers

Seriously, are there any lower forms of life than the people who produce and host those tabloid news shows? I’m talking about garbage like Inside Edition, TMZ, Extra, Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, The Insider and Lord knows what else lurking around the airwaves.  Not to mention the entire E! Network.

They smirk knowingly as the latest Hollywood starlet is discovered passed out and covered in her own vomit while spreading her legs to give the world another pantyless crotch shot, then try to act all solemn and dismayed when said starlet ends up OD’ing in some hotel room. They trot out dying anorexics and get them to break down and weep on camera as dramatic music plays in the background all while supposedly trying to ’spread awareness’ of the disease, and then perpetrate the very myths and negative images that cause the problems in the first place by gleefully highlighting superskinny models and actresses with obvious body issues. And don’t get me started on the 24-hour surveillance of Brangelina and Madonna and Tom Cruise and George Clooney or whomever else has been deemed ‘newsworthy’ by those who decide such things. Does anyone REALLY give a shit about Angelina Jolie falling on her ass on a movie set, and do we really need five different shows devoted to telling us all about it?

I just wonder how the people who are involved with this ridiculousness manage to live with themselves. Deborah Norville was once a fairly respected journalist, as were Mary Hart and Pat O’Brien. Now they’re basically one step above snuff film directors, feeding off the residue of human misery for profit. Of course, given O’Brien’s own documented issues recently (and talk about cannibalizing your own young), I guess I already have my answer.

TV’s Tim

Once Again Into The Abyss…

Hold on to your hats, folks, here we go again!

 TV’s Tim